Necromancer Haikus


The following selected verses were discovered in a mysterious tomb, the location of which remains secret while excavations are ongoing. It is believed that the crypt holds the remains and treasures of an alleged necromancer, known at this time only by the initials A. P. which were found signed at the bottom of several of the documents that were discovered. Personally, I have refrained from making any judgments as to the poetic skill of the author, and have done my best to translate the verses from the various dead languages in which they were written and present them as faithfully as possible.


No 1.

The moon is my muse
Streaming down her argent life
Into these corpses

No. 7

You thought you could win
But now you are a zombie
Better luck next time

No. 13

I sit and look out
surrounded by my minions
from my throne of bone

No. 15

Zombies like to moan
Skeletons like to chatter
Music to my ears

No. 21

Skeletons can count
Each bony knuckle is one
Until the end comes

No. 26

Pitiful Druid
Oh look, you have a squirrel
Now meet my Death Knight

No. 33

People are useful
Once you strip the useless flesh
Leaving only bone

No. 40

Vampires are cool
As long as you’re the master
And not a minion

No. 41

I really HATE ghouls
They’re smelly. They’re loud. And worse
You have to feed them

No. 42

Liches get stiches, ha!
Even the dead have humor
So I kill myself

No. 46

To make a mummy
All you need is sand and cloth
Also betrayal

No. 53

The specter and the wraith
Are the same kind of undead
One is just fresher

No. 66

Baby skeletons
Aren’t as deadly as adults
But they’re funnier

No. 68

My arts may be dark
But under the ground is worse
Hold on, I’ll show you

No. 71

Pumpkin heads are fun
And surely an improvement
On ugly minions

No. 74

The day my dog died
I learned of necromancy
Best friends forever

No. 77

Necromancy joke:
I animated an owl.
It was a hoot!

No. 78

A skeletal shark
May sound like a good idea
But it cannot swim.

No. 84

Lesson number one:
Always embalm your zombies.
Otherwise, they smell.

No. 92

Is it your birthday?
I grant you the gift of death.
I’m so generous.

No. 95

I tried summoning
I hate negotiating
Just do what I say

No. 106

The dead leave gambol
Driven by the winds of Autumn
Nature’s Danse Macabre

No. 109

It was a mistake
To send a zombie shopping
All he bought was brains

No. 111, 112, 113

Come looking for me
Centuries of blood and dust
Is all you will find

Some will be stubborn
And thinking themselves lucky
Will find themselves cursed.

You thought I was dead
But I was only sleeping
I will come for you.



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